That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
