i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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