I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
