She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he thought i was a dude.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I need a beard to bite.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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