I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
