The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
