So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
