Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
