So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
