this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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