I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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