i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
