I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
