ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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