he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
