is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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