Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
