walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The ass gains better be worth it
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