I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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