If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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