just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
