I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
