You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
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Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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