I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
