I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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