My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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