my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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