he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
