the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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