just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
