no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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