is your mom at the bar?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
