Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
