Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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