I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
