goodnight i made you a song goodbye
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
