The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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