do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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