i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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