great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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