he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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