i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
