can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
