I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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