You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
