I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
