Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
