my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
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And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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