i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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