Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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