Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
