now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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