There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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