I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
