sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
