I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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