I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
