This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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