I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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