Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
